Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Truth Hurts

When I started blogging, I thought I would use this blog as a journal, but really when it comes down to it, writing my personal thoughts was something I didn't really want the world (or all 2 people who read this) to see. I only write about the "good" things so everyone out there thinks that I really have it all together, well I don't. So tonight I am going to break from my usual type of blog entry, so here goes my thoughts.
Tonight as I was getting ready for bed my hubby says to me, "Noah switched up his prayer tonight." (He typically says the same thing every night.) "He said his usual but at the end he said,'Please bless mommy to not be mean."
Where to start, first maybe Kevin that would have been better to have kept to yourself (not really, like I said the truth hurts). After crying for an hour I decided to come blog for a few reason. 1) I need some advice and 2) I want to be better, so maybe if I put it out for the world to see, it will give me some accountability.
Often times my kids will say to me, "You are so mean, I want to live with so-and-sos family!" Now how much of that is kids being kids and how much of that is actually that I'm really MEAN. I really don't know the answer to that.
I feel like I do a lot for my kids. They are the center of my world. I certainly don't feel like a slacker mom, but I yell, apparently a lot more then I should.
Every morning and after school we have a specific routine that we go through...breakfast, dressed, piano, homework, etc. And every day i have to nag nag nag my kids to get it done and when it doesn't happen, I yell yell yell. Do you have some system that works for you, seriously I need some help.
Is it possible that I put to much pressure on my kids? Am I too strict with piano schedules and just routines in general. I feel like the things that I do (which often make me mean) are good things. No tv/video games except on Saturdays, practice piano everyday for 30 minutes, read do your homework, etc.
That is only part of it though...sometimes if I put to much on myself then my stress will cause me to be more demanding with them. This is a BIG part of why I am "retiring" from catering. My kids are the ones that suffer. I have a demanding calling at church (which I love) and I self inflict a lot of other unnecessary stresses. Are the YW really going to suffer if they don't get a cute handout every lesson-NO, are my kids going to care if I make them a birthday cake or buy one from Wal-Mart-NO. (Please note, just because I am saying this out loud doesn't mean I am going to stop doing these things.)
Recently Elder Uchtdorf gave a talk entitled "Love is really spelled T-I-M-E" and I think that is the key for me. Instead of sitting on the computer researching how to the throw the best Snow White party for Sydney's 2nd birthday, maybe just maybe I need to sit and help Noah do a puzzle or jump and the tramp with the boys, or push Sydney in the swing. I'm not saying that I never do these things, but maybe I just need to do it more often.
This is the career I chose. To be a mom to these kids. I need to be better, do more, yell less. I really don't want to fail at this job. It is too important, so tommorrow (and everyday after) I am going to try. If you have any thoughts, tips, etc. that might help, please please let me know. I'm serious, it is important to me.


Andrea said...

We just had an enrichment on love and one of the classes was on love in your marriage and family. It was taught by a sealer at the DC temple. He asked us first what we thought the "right" answers were to a happy family--read scriptures, family home evening, etc...Then he said he was a "rebel" and didn't like those answers. Instead they are the rewards for having a happy home. (How often do we find ourselves getting frustrated and angry during FHE or scripture study because kids won't sit or listen, etc...) He gave us 5 things to work on instead...
1. Keep falling in love.
2. Speak softly
3. Discipline with love.
4. Change yourself not your spouse.
5. Accept the responsibility of any conflict that occurs.
I've been trying to focus on #2 a lot. It makes a difference.

You're a good mom, Audrey. Loves.

Kearl said...

Don't worry. You are not alone. I think all of us moms want/need to be better sometimes. A while ago, I felt like I was yelling more than I wanted to. I took E' Bednar's talk on prayer to heart and began praying every day that I could go just that ONE day without yelling and then that night I would "report" back - some good reports, some not so good. Slowly, it really helped. I think consciously thinking about the problem really helped.

I'm a schedule person too, but I hate to nag. I have learned that if you train the first though, you train the rest. I let my kids have one hour of media time everyday, but they don't get it until they get dressed and ready, clean their room and the basement (where the toys are) and practice the piano (homework is just done right after school or while I make dinner if we had an after-school activity or play date). The nice thing is that the media time motivates them to do their "chores" themselves, which makes it so I don't have to nag. They rarely, rarely miss doing them, but if they do, I don't stress, one day will not break anyone. If you don't want to give media time, find another motivator (marbles in a jar, when full = special something). The whole reason we ever do anything is for the outcome/the "payback". If kids don't see the fruits, they won't have the motivation.

Hoffmann Family said...

Hi Audrey! FYI I read your blog all the time, but never make comments, I'm too lazy. LOL.

I too struggled with yelling and wanted so badly to stop. Things that helped me... Family scripture study, attending the temple(I found a mom to trade babysitting with so we could takes turns attending while the older kids are at school) Took free parenting classes that were provided by our school district. There were so many things I was doing wrong as a parent, it was very insightful. And of course just being my own coach and telling myself to chill out and zip my mouth. My oldest was yelling at his siblings and has a short fuse. He was learning it from me. I had to stop it, and keep the spirit in my home.

Amara said...

Oh geez. You're awesome like I told you. Once again, those love and logic courses really helped me to find better tools than yelling to use --it just doesn't work (usually) which is why once we start we end up yelling many times. The Community offers them as does the school. I still yell sometimes though --it's faster :) here's a link --but these are in Draper. If you go I'll go with you --I could use a refresher. Also the books are at the library.

Amara said...

Here's the Nebo schedule

Rachel said...

You've been given great advise. I just wanted to tell you that I think you're wonderful and that you are not alone. If it's not yelling, it's something else for all of us.

Another thought I've had. Right now I'm really big into the 5 love languages. As my kids have grown, I realize that they receive and give love differently than I. I feel love by giving acts of I try to give love by doing acts of service. Katelyn receives love by getting quality time. So when she tries to have quality time and I'm too busy giving acts of service, we have a huge blow up and she doesn't feel love! And I feel like a failure because all the acts I am doing (I feel) are for nothing. See what I mean? That may be helpful to ponder and try to figure out if all the things you are doing for your kids is showing them love like you think they are.

The 5 love languages has been AMAZING for our marriage. Seriously, changed the whole feel of it. You can have a combination of languages, but you usually have a primary one.

The 5 love languages are:

Words of Affirmation: Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time: nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby

Receiving Gifts: the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.

Acts of Service: Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.”

Physical Touch: Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love

Rachel said...

Sorry that was long :)